Of Fish and Elvish Dictionaries
by Deutzy
Summary: What happens when Frodo and Gandalf return from the Elf Havens. Frodo/Merry slash. Please R/R!


*~*DISCLAIMER*~*

I own nothing from LOTR!!!

A/N: This is a response to a challenge by ff.net author, Basilisk. The challenge is below, followed by the fic. 

~ After Lord of the Rings (the books, not the film) 

~ Frodo/Merry slash

~ Someone must, at some point, say "Hobbits, you're feet are muddy! How can you step in my house with muddy feet!?" 

~ Must have repeated mentioning of fish. Just because

~ Bilbo must appear because he is cool.

~ Must be humor. 

~ An Elvish dictionary must be mentioned and used, at least once.

Of Fish and Elvish Dictionaries

Merry was awoken by someone knocking loudly on his door. Grumbling about the time, and how he wasn't as young as he used to be, Merry slowly got up, shoved on a shirt and pair of trousers, and opened the door.

Merry had not been expecting to find who he found on the other side of the door… it was 'FRODO!' Merry exclaimed. 'But… but…' Merry stuttered, letting his friend inside. 'You went to the elf havens…'

Frodo just smiled. 'I was sent back,' he said, with a wicked glint in his eyes. 

'What did you do?' 

'Nothing, but I had to take Gandalf back. He seemed to be allergic to Elvish dictionaries, they hade him go completely mad.' 

'Where is he?' 

'Outside, talking to your hedge in your garden.' Frodo said, his fingers straying to Merry's shirt. 'He'll be entertained for hours.' 

'I've missed you _so _much,' Merry said before pulling Frodo into a passionate kiss.

*** 

Frodo sighed contentedly; he was back in the Shire, and back with his lover. He had spent the day at Merry's, and had left Gandalf in the garden, who had spent the day quite happily telling the flowers all about his adventures to Mordor.

'We better go and see the others, I suppose?' Merry asked, rolling over in the bed to face Frodo. 

'I would like to see them, yes.' Frodo replied. 

'Come on, then.' Merry said. They got out of bed, dressed, and went out into the garden. Gandalf was sitting in Merry's garden, his attention back on the hedge. 

'And then this gigantic beast appeared…' Gandalf said, obviously deep in conversation with the hedge. 

'Come on,' Frodo sighed, grabbing Gandalf by the arm and dragging him from Merry's garden.

They walked for a while, Gandalf every so often shooting jets of light from his staff at odd trees. 'DIE, servant of Mordor, DIE!' He would shout after each tree attack.

'I told you… scrambled his brains…' Frodo mumbled to Merry as they reached Sam's front door. Frodo knocked, and after a while Sam answered the door. 

'FRODO! GANDALF!' Sam cried. 

'Who?' Gandalf asked. 

'He's gone mad.' Frodo explained. 'I've brought him back from the Elf Havens.' 

'Can we come in, it's cold out here?' Merry asked. 

'Oh yeah, sure.' Sam said, just as Rosie appeared. 

'Hobbits, you're feet are muddy! How can you step in my house with muddy feet!?' Rosie exclaimed. 

'Quite easily, actually.' Frodo said, and he and Merry walked into the house. 

'Ooh, am I a hobbit?' Gandalf asked excitedly. 

'No Gandalf, you're a human.' 

'Oh.' 

*** 

The next day, Frodo, Sam and Merry went off to visit Pippin, and Gandalf followed them, much to their annoyance. 

A party was arranged to welcome Frodo (and Gandalf) back to the Shire, just for close friends.

The party was held at Merry's house, and unfortunately Gandalf came along. 

'How can you call this a party?' He asked, striding through a group of hobbits. 'You need more guests!' 

'No, Gandalf, it's fine… really.' Merry said, trying to stop Gandalf from using magic. 

'No, no, honestly, I can deal with this.' Gandalf said. 'I summon… music!' He said, waving his staff around. There was a loud _pop _and Bilbo appeared in the room. 

'Some music.' Sam muttered as Frodo went over to explain to his confused uncle why he had suddenly appeared in the Shire, when 1 minute ago he was in Rivendell. 

'Oops.' Gandalf muttered. 'Um… let me try again.' 

'NO!' Merry, Sam, Frodo and Pippin cried, but Gandalf had already managed to summon Gollum to the party. 

'Hey, didn't he die?' Sam asked. 

'Nasty hobbitses, nasty hobbitses everywhere.' Gollum hissed. 'I need food… I need fish! I need fish!' 

'I haven't got any fish.' Merry muttered. 

'Fish! Fish!' Gollum kept on repeating. 

'Don't worry, I am always here!' Gandalf said. 'I summon… fish!' 

There was another pop, and an elf appeared, looking very confused and out of place. The elf started to ramble on in Elvish, and everyone looked at him strangely. 

'What's he saying?' Pippin asked. 

'I don't know.' Merry replied. 

'Don't worry!' Bilbo said, coming over. 'I was conveniently looking through an Elvish dictionary when I appeared here, and I still have it with me.' Bilbo showed them an Elvish dictionary, and began to try and work out what the elf was saying, looking up various words in the dictionary.

'No! Not an Elvish Dictionary!' Frodo cried, beginning to go mad himself. Gandalf had a strange glint in his eye, sensing the Elvish dictionary. With a mad laugh, he grabbed his staff again, and promptly blew himself up.  

'I _told _you those Elvish dictionaries did odd things to him.' Frodo said, just as Gollum asked again… 

'Is there any fish?' 


End file.
